She’s five. And I try to take that into account. The “experts” say that children who exhibit this behavior around this age are dealing with an impulse control issue.


Well, guess what? I am also dealing with an impulse control issue. Because MY impulse is to duct tape her to the wall and leave here there for the rest of her natural life.


The first thing she took, that I know of, is my lipgloss. I pulled it out of her jacket pocket, and was like, “Dude? WTH?” and she was all “I’m sorry mommy. I know I should have asked.”  I agreed with that assessment and reminded her we don’t just take things that don’t belong to us.


Then, doing laundry, I found a package of dental floss that we don’t have in my house in her jeans pocket. “Oh, Drama Queen? Can you come hither, por favor?” (I swear to God, I really talk like that.) When she appeared, I asked where she got the dental floss and she cast her eyes down and said “Grandma’s.”


Great. My daughter stole dental floss from my mother. Thanks a bunch, kid.


We brought the dental floss back over to Grandma’s. Grandma laid it on pretty thick, and Drama Queen cried dramatically, as she is wont to do. I told her I was proud of her, because I know that was a hard thing and she did a good job. And we got back in the car with me thinking that we were done with this bullshit.


Then she stole gum from the drugstore while I was busy helping her sister pick out her candy.


THEN she stole a piece of candy while we were at the store buying marbles and a jar for my latest greatest idea (You get a marble when you do something good. You lose a marble when you do something bad. LIKE STEALING THINGS. And at the end of the week, the marbles are worth ten cents and there’s your allowance. She really got into it and I was feeling really hopeful. Till I caught her stealing the candy. That was already in her mouth.)


I’m starting to hate this kid.


What do I do, folks? Any ideas or insight into the mind of a five year old criminal are welcome.  What would you do? And, is waterboarding considered cruel and unusual punishment in this country?


Just wondering. Purely scholarly purposes.