My innocent 5 year old daughter was playing with my camera before. She fancies herself a photographic prodigy. I will say that some of the shots she takes of her toys, the garbage can, my ass…very artistic.


Today was the most artistic of all.


She disappeared for a few minutes into the bathroom with my camera. Most mothers would think “I’ll murder a kid if my camera ends up in the toilet.”  Me? Didn’t even register. I was too busy trying to cook dinner, clean the kitchen and meet a stiff deadline. All at the same time. Multitask QUEEN bee-yotch.


Okaysie, Drama Queen came out of the bathroom, with my camera in hand, and I made a mental note to find out what the heck she was taking pictures of in the bathroom.


A few minutes later, I found my camera, lying forgotten, on top of the dishwasher. I started flipping through the pictures and found all the normal stuff. Things I expected. The TV, her sister, Barbie, my ass.


And then, a picture of my daughter’s 5 year old vag in all its glory. Ah ha! That was what she was doing in the bathroom.


I quickly deleted it, thinking what would happen if the wrong person saw a picture of my daughter’s vag on my camera. CPS wouldn’t even need a warrant at that point, I don’t think.


When I tried to explain why we can’t have pictures of our private parts on our camera, I fell totally short of a reasonable explanation, and ended up saying, “JUST DON’T DO IT AGAIN, OKAY?!” as she barraged me with questions about private parts and pictures.


I’m not even nearly ready to explain pedophile porn. Jesus H. Christmas.