Category: Detachment Parenting


Okay, people. I hate this year already.

So far, in 2015:

The Drama Queen lost a filling. That was a $180 fix.

I broke out in hives IN A VERY DELICATE AREA for no reason whatsoever. That was a $35 copay plus some for a medicated cream.

I broke my mother fucking toe. No, seriously. I get up every morning and buddy tape it to the on next to it. I’m starting to get some movement back in it.

What? How did I break my toe? Tripping over my kids’ shit in the living room, OF COURSE.

I smacked my head into an open cabinet door and thought I was going to die. But I didn’t. Clearly. I’m typing.

Mr. Sasha developed a staph infection. No, really. A staph infection. Out of nowhere.

A friend’s husband died of a heart attack at the ripe old age of thirty fucking nine. Thirty nine. You’re not supposed to die at thirty nine. You’re supposed to spend the entire year dreading entering your forties. But not to the point that you don’t actually make it to your forties.

My mother-in-law’s sister died of natural causes.

Mr. Sasha fell off a ladder yesterday and split his head open. Ah, whatever, he’s tough. Didn’t even need stitches. I forgot to ask if he’s going to get paid for the time he spent at the hospital getting CT scanned and such.

In addition to that, Miss Poopie Pants and I are looking for a play therapist to help us both stop feeling like we’re going to kill each other at any moment. We’re also looking for a good karate school, so, you know, if she DOES decide to kill me, she totally can. But also, you know, burning off energy, gaining discipline, etc. etc. yadda, yadda.

Oh, AND! My car died! And then Mr. Sasha’s truck died! Like, within a week of each other. So, yay! We have two new car payments!

In addition to all this, I’m in the middle of redoing the attic to be a play room for the Sashlettes, and my house is otherwise in a shambles. In fact, it’s never actually been this messy, I don’t think. And my house is very rarely clean.

Well, I go on tears, where I work myself to exhaustion and get every single thing put away, and keep up with everything, often for weeks at a time. But the very first time anything throws my very carefully laid schedule off, the whole house gets shot to shit.

So, I’ve got plenty of things to choose from to bitch about. But I’ve done enough of that. This is mostly a post to set up some future posts. For example, the scintillating discussion about why chewy cough drops should be banned from existence.

HINT: that one has to do with the Drama Queen’s filling.

Or, how about the official pros versus cons list of minivans.

There will, no doubt, be the scintillating series reviewing every single karate school in New Jersey. If you’re not looking for a karate school in New Jersey, oh well. Read it anyway.

And another riveting group of articles about play therapy. Or perhaps a few about the best way to use duct tape to fasten children to a wall.

It was a joke. Don’t call CPS.

So, stay tuned, minions. Writing shall commence forthwith. WTF does “forthwith” mean?

Today was snow day #451461757541f2t3294h87ri4.

 

No, really.  Look at that, there’s even letters in there.  It’s like, algebra and shit.

 

I haven’t been drinking a lot lately, because Mr. Sasha has been working nights and it just isn’t a good idea for the only adult in the house to be trashed to pieces overnight.

 

The Pupster is an awesome dog, but he can’t drive to the ER at 2am.  Not that I’ve ever had to do that. But the first night I’m totally wrecked? Someone will need a cast.

 

It will probably be the Drama Queen, because she doesn’t bounce.

 

ANYWAY, my point is, minions, I have become a cheap, cheap date.  But, today, when Mr. Sasha got home, I decided enough is enough and I was going to stick some Baileys in my coffee.

 

And then I was talking to a few of my friends, who were also home because of the algebraic snow day, and they suggested shots.  So we did shots.

 

It was 10am.

 

Mr. Sasha went to sleep around 11:30. I think. I couldn’t really tell time at that point.

 

I put the Olympics on when the kids went outside and fell desperately in lust with a curler. And curling actually made sense. It didn’t make sense when I was sober.

 

One of those things, I guess. Like dancing.

 

Anyway, I spent most of the day drinking with my friends on Facebook and this is why I love the modern age.

 

I’m sober now, because Mr. Sasha is getting ready for work. But stand by, minions, because we’re getting another foot or so over night, and I’m guessing we’ll have another snow day tomorrow.

 

This one will have an exponent.

Hi. Happy summer. Or whatever season it is where you are.  Here, it’s summer.
Typically, I hate summer. Summer means 24/7 mom duty.  I do not look forward to 24/7 mom duty. I love my kids, but not every second of every day.

 

So, when summer starts, I start a countdown. A countdown to when school starts back up.

 

We’re at 55 days.  Less than two months, and I can have my living room back.

 

The truth is, this summer has not sucked as hard as summers past.  There are a couple reasons for this.

 

First, somehow, the Drama Queen and Miss Poopie Pants have stopped fighting. Not altogether, but for the most part.  Right now, in fact, they are outside playing with the hose.

 

Aside, I refuse to let summer come again until I have a mother fucking pool.  Hope you’re reading, Mr. Sasha.

 

Another thing this summer has going for it is copious amounts of planning on my part.  We’re three weeks into summer and I’ve heard “Mom!!!! I’m BORED!” exactly ONCE, minions.

 

ONCE.

 

This is because, in anticipation of the long boring days of summer, I spent the last week of school putting together my BORED BOX.

 

Sure, there’s fun stuff in there. Stuff like bubbles and playing in the sprinkler and pretending you’re a princess who has to slay a dragon.

 

But there’s not so fun stuff in there, too. Making beds, cleaning floors, weeding gardens.

 

No one wants to tell me they’re bored for fear they’ll get stuck cleaning out the hamster cage. Smart girls, I have.

 

Here’s something else that’s awesome about this summer.  I suddenly find myself with a circle of IRL friends.  It’s been a long time since I had a circle of IRL friends.

 

We get together as much as we can, and we do it without kids as often as possible. This. Is. Awesome.

 

BUT. I am still counting down till school.

 

It’s kind of my thing.

 

I’m looking forward to school. Not just because my kids will be gone for six hours or so, either. I have lots of reasons for looking forward to school.

 

School means I can work more. Both at writing and at my part time job.  The more I work, the more money I make. The more money I make, the more fun things I can buy.

 

Like movie tickets. Or tequila.

 

School means my house will be clean again.  Over the summer, the whirling dervishes that are my daughters leave their stuff every freaking where. But, once they’re out of the house for several hours at a clip without me, I can put their stuff away, and get rid of the crap they don’t play with anymore, with no one being the wiser.

 

School means I can run up the street to the supermarket to get something I just realized I need for dinner tonight without needing an act of Congress.  It also means that there is a much better chance of me actually having everything I need for dinner in the first place, because I can go grocery shopping alone, paying attention to only my list and not The Flying Karamazov Sisters.

 

They will, someday, sneak past me and leap from the top shelf. I just hope we’re not in the glassware aisle when it happens.

 

School means my dog and I can take our walks at the pace we prefer, instead of the snail pace my kids prefer.

 

School means the weather is going to cool the fuck down. That, in and of itself, is enough of a reason to look forward to school.

 

To be perfectly honest, there are parts of school that I am not looking forward to.  Getting up early, homework, fighting over whether or not they’re allowed to wear a certain outfit to school. These are all things that suck.

 

But they are greatly trumped by the advantages of my kids going to school. At least, for me.

 

So, to my teacher friends who are so pissed off at me for counting down the days till summer’s gone, bite me.

 

If you’re not looking forward to going back to work even a little bitty bit, why on earth are you a teacher anyway?

 

And to my mom friends who simply can’t believe that I don’t relish every single moment of my summer with my kids, bite me.

 

I do enjoy my time with my kids. I just enjoy it a lot more when I have some time away from them, too.

 

And to Mr. Sasha, who doesn’t freak out when he gets home and the house is a mess and dinner isn’t made and the kids are naked and I haven’t showered, thanks.

 

Also, get on that pool thing.

I hate to count my chickens before they’re hatched, but….

 

Miss Poopie Pants has been successfully NOT pooping in her pants for almost five full days now. Even through the stomach plague that’s ripping through our family, she refused pull ups and stayed accident free.

 

To say I’m shocked is putting it mildly. However, good freaking Lord, the kid is going to be four in a couple weeks. It’s about GD time.

 

This is the secret to my unbounded success: The Potty Watch.  It plays a little ditty every 90 minutes, and the Artist Formerly Known as Miss Poopie Pants makes a beeline for the bathroom.

 

So, perhaps it is a little preemptive, but I’m taking solicitations for new names for this kid.  I’m considering Daisy the Zombie Slayer, but really? I don’t think she wants to slay the freaking things. I think she wants to make them her pets and friends.

 

She’s an odd bird, this one.

 

Leave your suggestions in the comment. I’ll choose my favorite and might even hit you up with something awesome in return.  Maybe something like this, in honor of the Zombie Slayer.

I’m starving, but I’m afraid to eat.

 

Not because I’m afraid of gaining weight. Although my diet has me about 20 pounds lower than I was when I started, woot!

 

Because I’m afraid I’m going to get the Christmas Fucking Plague that’s systematically working its way through my family right now.

 

It started with Miss Poopie Pants, and I was nowhere near home at the time. Mr. Sasha and I were two hours south, in Atlantic City, winning some cash on the slot machines, when the puking began.  My mom was here.  I feel a little bad, but not bad enough to not be hugely grateful that I missed the entire episode.  By the time I got home on Monday, she was nearly better. And after a five hour nap, she was all better.

 

Last night, 2:30am, Drama Queen very dramatically screamed and, very impressively, yakked over the side of her bunk bed.  She didn’t get a speck of it on her or her bed. I must have told her eight times how proud I was of her. I’m not a fan of changing sheets on the freaking top bunk. Especially under duress at 2:30 in the fucking morning.

 

Needless to say, we were up the rest of the night. She’s a good kid who never misses the barf bucket, so the clean up has been minimal.  Of course, she also gets mean as a fucking snake when she’s sick.  Like, OMG, who IS this child?!

 

When I told her she can’t go to school tomorrow, she hit me with “Two words, Mommy. GET AWAY FROM ME.”  I told her “That was four words,” ducked and ran out of the room.

 

She’s got her father’s pitching arm.

 

Right, so, in the midst of all of this, take a look at the date, minions. FOUR FUCKING DAYS TO CHRISTMAS!

 

Guess who’s not done shopping? Yeah, this girl.

 

Guess who’s not going to get to GO shopping anytime soon?  Yeah, me too.

 

Guess who’s supposed to be hosting the entire Sasha family for Christmas Eve? Yup.

 

I’m going to take a want-ad out for an elf.  Think the Fat Man can spare one this close to Christmas?

Drama Queen: “Mommy, I’m halfway through this book and I don’t know anything about it.”

 

Me: (Totally distracted by Zuma on FaceBook) “Oh? Well, maybe he wants you to read it again.”

 

DQ: “What?! What does that even mean?”

 

Me: “Wait, what? What are you asking me?”

 

DQ: “Are we even having the same conversation?”

 

Me: “Apparently not.”

 

DQ: “Oh. Em. Gee.”

 

Me (to Mr. Sasha): “Did she just say ‘Oh Em Gee?'”

 

DQ: “Yes! I did!”

 

Miss Poopie Pants: “G doesn’t even come after O! Everyone knows H comes after O!”

 

…. can’t… breathe….laughing…too….hard…..

Mr. Sasha’s best friend is relationship challenged. That’s a nice way to say he’s a fucking moron.  (That last sentence is proof that I’m not nice.)

 

Right, so… I’ve know this dude, let’s call him JerkFace, for 15 years or so. I have stood by in horror through one doomed relationship after another in that time. In the beginning, I tried really hard to like these women.

 

His first girlfriend was a psychotic bitch. I’m not making that up. I’m pretty sure she’s since been committed to an inpatient facility.

 

Next came The Whore. Not making that one up either. She hit on everything, including Mr. Sasha. She slept with more of JerkFace’s friends than she slept with him.  She sent naked pictures of herself to my brother-in-law (who’s a nice guy, but, like, ew), while my sister-in-law was eight and a half months pregnant.  She’s the one I hate the most. Not because of hitting on my husband and brother-in-law, but because before The Whore, JerkFace wasn’t a JerkFace. She changed him.  Luckily, she lives several states away. Because if I saw her now, I might run her over with my massive SUV.

 

Then there were a bunch of one night stands and brief relationships that I barely knew, so whatevs.

 

Next came a long, long, long relationship with The Gold Digger. He moved in with her and her daughter and I bet his income was a real nice boon for them. When she finished school and got a job, she kicked him out. I wish I were kidding about that one.

 

So, then he met this chick online who I really liked. We got along okay, she likes my kids, and she’s a champion drinker. Woohoo!  These are my people!

 

He dumped her.

 

Now he’s dating someone he knew from three thousand years ago.  I’ve met her. In fact, she’s been to my house. I don’t know if I like her or not.  It’s not because I haven’t yet formed an opinion. It’s because she barely spoke to me. She was here for hours, and spent the entire time playing with my kids.

 

I don’t mean they came to her and said “Will you play with me?”  No, she actively sought them out and engaged them in various fun activities. She even spent the majority of the time we were eating, talking with them. She got Miss Poopie Pants to come inside for a clean pull up with no fuss. She got Drama Queen to try a little bit of everything on her plate with no drama.

 

In short, she was a better mom than me. To my kids.

 

We might be at war now.

 

Either that, or I’ve got a SA-WEET babysitter.

 

Anyway, I bring this up because she is coming over with JerkFace tomorrow and I’ll be interested to see if she spends any adult time or if she just plays with Barbies all night.

 

My prediction for this relationship? Oh who the fuck knows. I give up trying to figure out JerkFace’s love life. I really thought he’d hit it last time, but bah.

 

Truth? I love JerkFace to death and all I want is for him to be happy, and if this weird woman-child makes him happy, then woohoo.

 

In the meantime, I think I’ll take advantage of the time she’s here tomorrow to do my nails and get blindingly drunk.

You know, Friday is actually not my favorite day of the week. When you work at home, and have two ankle biters, and your husband works 7 day shifts, pretty much all your days are about the same, thus rendering one not much better than any of the others.

 

Of course, Friday does have #wineparty, so…woohoo!

 

So, let’s see, what happened this week that’s worth reporting on?

 

1. Miss Poopie Pants (who is THREE, people) is fascinated with zombies. I originally blamed my brother who is also fairly fascinated with zombies, and who, as a somewhat grown man, should know better than to talk about them with my baby. That was totally shot down when my Mommy-dearest reminded me of the Spongebob episode where eating bad Crabby Patties turns everyone into zombies and Spongebob holes himself up inside the Crabby Patty, afraid that the zombies will eat his brains.

 

Now, the question is, do I encourage this zombie love and have the coolest toddler on the block, or do I try to squash it, like my Mommy-dearest did with my love of singing?

 

Yeah, I totally agree. I think we need a Fulci Film Festival this weekend. (Google him, nub.)

 

2. In other MPP news, the child sat on my lap, squeezed the air out of my slim frame and said “I love you, SASHA” the other night. I said, “What did you call me?” and she replied, with an eyeroll, “Your NAME.”  (She’s THREE, people. I’m pretty sure I mentioned that.)  I laughed a little and said, “Yeah, but you call me Mommy, right?’

 

May lightening strike my Mommy-dearest if I’m lying (No, not me. Just in case. Don’t mind calling the wrath of God on her, but not me, minions), MPP looked up at me, narrowed her eyes like she was considering something carefully, shook her head, smiled and informed me, “I think I’m about done with calling you Mommy.”

 

I’ve been Sasha ever since. Just making sure this doesn’t go unnoticed… SHE IS THREE, MINIONS!

 

3. The government might shut down today, but in so much bigger, HUGER news… PIA got voted off American Idol last night!  I don’t watch that show, and I don’t know who Pia is, but EVERYONE is talking about it. So it must be SUPER important, right?

 

4. In an effort to encourage spring, I cleaned off my usual dark, dark, DARK (it matches my lipstick, folks) nailpolish and painted my nails a blinding pink, chosen by Drama Queen.  While she’s at school today, I’m totally painting black tips on these bad boys.

 

5. I read about a job at a newspaper a few towns over from me that piqued my interest.  It’s a job proofreading and editing obituaries.  It’s full time and it pays $700 a week.  That can’t be right, right? I mean, REALLY?  HOW MANY PEOPLE DIE IN THAT TOWN?!  I’m almost willing to be that the newspaper in question needs someone to proofread their craigslist postings as well.

 

6. I’m having a liquid lunch today.  That’s because I’m shoe shopping with my minion, Pebbles, from Boldly Mocking, and I think that it’s illegal to NOT have a martini when you hang with her. Of course, she’s three hours behind me, so does that means she’s going to be having a liquid breakfast? Oh my, she is way too hardcore for me.

 

7. In addition to my normal deadlines that I have over the weekend, I will also be doing all the work necessary to review THIS at some point this weekend. If I stop being mad at Mr. S for working all weekend, and FISHING when he’s not working. *insert petulant pout here*

 

The review will not be posted here, minions, but will be posted over at Kit’s site, Blogging Dangerously, so if you aren’t already subscribed to her over there (and why are you not? She is amazingly awesomely amazing. Almost as world-rocking as I am.), head over right now and subscribe so you don’t miss it.  Although, I doubt you could miss it, since I am so excited to guest blog over there, I’ll probably take an ad out in the NYTimes post it all over Twitter. And here, too. Just in case.

 

I’m fairly certain that’s all I have for you today. I reserve the right to post again when I think of other stuff, though. 😉

It’s been a good week over here in the Sasha house. Here are the reasons why, in no particular order.
  • The laundry is (almost) done. Like, the only dirty clothes in the house are those that are currently on our asses.
  • I got paid by TWO clients this week, one of whom I usually have to chase down and beat with a stick to get my money.
  • Rebecca Black is not my daughter. This makes me really, really happy, because her whiney voice would seriously make me stab myself in the ears with knitting needles. Unfortunately, Drama Queen thinks Miss Black is the greatest thing since Justin Beaver, and so…. someone hide my knitting needles.
  • My sister in anonymous blogging over at Blogging Dangerously held a little contest a couple of weeks ago that I WON!  That means I’m gonna get one of THESE!  Holy SHIT! I never win anything! But when I do win something, it’s a fucking doozy, ain’t it? Stay tuned for my review of my prize on Kit’s blog. I am the winningest winner since Charlie Sheen.
  • Miss Poopie Pants pooped in the potty yesterday. I wanted to throw a party, but Mr. Sasha thought it was a little preemptive. Turns out he was right, as she’s had three poosplosions right out the sides of her pull ups, since then.
  • I treated myself to Bordeaux cookies today. I’ve eaten almost the entire package. Yay me!
  • I scored the AWESOMEST pair of Fuck Me Shoes EVER at Kohl’s!  I’m thinking I need to find a mini skirt to pair them with. My legs are gonna look like they go up to my neck.

    The F-Me Shoes in question. Hawt, no?
    Happy Friday, ladies and gents. Catch me at #wineparty tonight (I hope. If I don’t put the new shoes to good use, that is 😉 )

    My daughter is in love.  Wait, no, that’s not exactly right. It was more like “in LOOOOOVE”. Yeah, that’s better.

     

    She got a valentine from one of her friends in school, with a picture of a little boy who can kind of sing, smoldering at her from the inside. I walked into her room with laundry to put away and saw her trying to stand it up on her dresser.

     

    “Whatcha doin?”

     

    “Trying to get this stood up so I can SEE him.”

     

    “Ah. Well, you know, maybe I’ll give you a piece of tape and you can stick it to the wall.”

     

    “REALLY?!”

     

    “Yeah. That’s what you do with posters of hot dudes.”

     

    “Wow. Okay!”  She paused for a second, looking into his eyes, and then turned to look up at me, smiling.  “Mommy. I am in LOVE with JUSTIN BEAVER!”

     

    To my credit, I didn’t fall down laughing in her face.  Come on, that took a lot of effort, man.  “Well, let’s get Mr. Beaver up on your wall then.”  I ran out of the room, ostensibly to get tape, before I dissolved into giggles in the middle of the kitchen floor.