The first in what might very well become a regular series on here, in which I dispense my own brand of sarcastic advice to the deserving masses. Have a question? Hit me up on the Twitter.


“Dear Sasha, 

When I drink three martinis, is it normal to want to dance on a table?”

No.  Possibly after five, or maybe six. But never just three. You must practice more. Come over and get drunk with me.


“Dear Sasha, 

What is the proper way to eat an olive from your martini glass on a first date?”

Well, that depends entirely on how the date is going, doesn’t it? If he’s hot and you like where this is headed, I’m a huge advocate of the slow suck off the toothpick.  Don’t forget to roll it over your tongue before closing your mouth to chew.

Of course, if he collects Star Wars action figures and lives at home with his mom, you should do the exact opposite of seductive.  I vote for pulling it off with your fingers and launching it across the table at him, paper football style.  Unless you think that would turn him on.

You know what? Just leave the fucking olive alone. Drink three or four more martinis to get you through this date and move on with your life.  Also, consider litigation against the friend who set you up on this disastrous date to begin with. What on earth was she thinking? She had to have known about the Star Wars figures, n’est-ce pas?

She’s a bitch and you should totally rethink your entire friendship based on this serious lapse in judgment.


I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s questions, both of which came from the same person, who likes martinis, in case you can’t tell.  Now it’s about 9am. Obviously time to start drinking.  Ta-ta, minions!