Mr. Sasha’s best friend is relationship challenged. That’s a nice way to say he’s a fucking moron.  (That last sentence is proof that I’m not nice.)

 

Right, so… I’ve know this dude, let’s call him JerkFace, for 15 years or so. I have stood by in horror through one doomed relationship after another in that time. In the beginning, I tried really hard to like these women.

 

His first girlfriend was a psychotic bitch. I’m not making that up. I’m pretty sure she’s since been committed to an inpatient facility.

 

Next came The Whore. Not making that one up either. She hit on everything, including Mr. Sasha. She slept with more of JerkFace’s friends than she slept with him.  She sent naked pictures of herself to my brother-in-law (who’s a nice guy, but, like, ew), while my sister-in-law was eight and a half months pregnant.  She’s the one I hate the most. Not because of hitting on my husband and brother-in-law, but because before The Whore, JerkFace wasn’t a JerkFace. She changed him.  Luckily, she lives several states away. Because if I saw her now, I might run her over with my massive SUV.

 

Then there were a bunch of one night stands and brief relationships that I barely knew, so whatevs.

 

Next came a long, long, long relationship with The Gold Digger. He moved in with her and her daughter and I bet his income was a real nice boon for them. When she finished school and got a job, she kicked him out. I wish I were kidding about that one.

 

So, then he met this chick online who I really liked. We got along okay, she likes my kids, and she’s a champion drinker. Woohoo!  These are my people!

 

He dumped her.

 

Now he’s dating someone he knew from three thousand years ago.  I’ve met her. In fact, she’s been to my house. I don’t know if I like her or not.  It’s not because I haven’t yet formed an opinion. It’s because she barely spoke to me. She was here for hours, and spent the entire time playing with my kids.

 

I don’t mean they came to her and said “Will you play with me?”  No, she actively sought them out and engaged them in various fun activities. She even spent the majority of the time we were eating, talking with them. She got Miss Poopie Pants to come inside for a clean pull up with no fuss. She got Drama Queen to try a little bit of everything on her plate with no drama.

 

In short, she was a better mom than me. To my kids.

 

We might be at war now.

 

Either that, or I’ve got a SA-WEET babysitter.

 

Anyway, I bring this up because she is coming over with JerkFace tomorrow and I’ll be interested to see if she spends any adult time or if she just plays with Barbies all night.

 

My prediction for this relationship? Oh who the fuck knows. I give up trying to figure out JerkFace’s love life. I really thought he’d hit it last time, but bah.

 

Truth? I love JerkFace to death and all I want is for him to be happy, and if this weird woman-child makes him happy, then woohoo.

 

In the meantime, I think I’ll take advantage of the time she’s here tomorrow to do my nails and get blindingly drunk.